Relationships are hard.

Relationships are hard.

Relationships take a lot of work.

Relationships can be so difficult and you have to sacrifice a lot.

These are the preconceptions that I keep on hearing around, not only from my clients but from my friends and colleagues too.

Are they really that hard?

I wanted to dig a little bit deeper and went to my parents and a few other couples to talk about it.

My parents - 39 years of 'seemingly' happy marriage, surely they have some valuable tips to share. I left home when I was 18, I was the last one out of three. At that time my mum had just turned 40 and my dad was 45. Funny enough they literally started living their best life the moment I shut the door behind me. Parties, social events, a lot of fun that at the time I found super strange and kind of cringe-worthy. Now, as a 32-year-old woman with friends who average the age of 40, I fully understand why it was happening. They lost their youth to raising three (amazing) kids and worked their butts off to give us all that they possibly could.

Throughout my childhood I barely heard my parents argue, up until today they still hold hands when they go for walks, they kiss, cuddle and still sleep in the same bed. As far as I know, their sex life is still good too (as much as I don't want to think about it)!

I really think I have a lot to learn from them and wanted to get an insight on how to be happy in a relationship and how to actually make them work. Below are the points I found most interesting from speaking to my parents, other people in long-term relationships and a fair bit of my own research!

1. Talk it out.

No matter what, when you feel the need to speak to your partner about something, do it. Hidden emotions only bottle up inside of us and create a whirlpool of uncomfortable stuff that may come to the surface at the time that you least expect it and in turn result in a massive argument. Your partner is supposed to love you no matter what and if you can't share your feelings with them then something is wrong so be open and share. If there is an element of fear or worry that if you say how you feel, or that you might be met with judgement, or they may leave you or something even worse, then maybe you should ask yourself if you are with the right person in the first place.

2. Honesty isn't always the best policy.

That's One thing that surprised me, apparently, your partner doesn't have to know everything (as long as you're not lying). Sometimes it's better to keep some things to yourself to avoid hurt being done. In Poland, there is a saying "what your eyes don't see and ears don't hear, doesn't hurt the heart".. Ignorance is bliss you may say but it's not lying, it's just not telling part of the truth. I personally prefer honesty over anything but then, I would just not do something if at the very beginning I knew I would have to hide it or lie about it if asked by my partner. So do what you feel is best for both of you and if it's for the greater good (like World Peace for example) - then a secret or two won't harm anyone as long as it's not hurting the other.

3. Be the person you would want your kids to be with.

 When I asked my dad how he became the loving husband that he is, he said something super cool. He said he always strives to be the type of man that he'd want me and my sister to be with when we got older. When he and my mum got together they were very young and got pregnant quickly. At one point he went to his father for advice on how to be the man that his wife and his kids deserve, how to be everything to us, when he, himself had so little to give. My granddad said to him "you have two daughters, treat your wife, the way you want your daughters to be treated, love your wife, the way you want your daughters to be loved". I can tell you now, that kept me single for a very long time. My dad seriously set the standards high and when I meet someone, I genuinely look at them in my dad's mirror. The first thing I do is check how they treat and speak of females around them as that will always tell you a lot.

(if you're a female, be the kind of woman that you'd want your son to be with!)

4. Nobody can hurt you other than your expectations.

That's another thing that was a common answer. All the couples I spoke to said that the other person cannot really hurt you per se, it's your expectations that can do that. If there's a level of expectations that you have, share them with your partner. If you expect them to text you every morning, say this is what you'd ideally like to have. If you expect that they don't raise their voice at you, say it too. Whatever it is, share it and see how the conversation unfolds. If you don't, I can assure you that your partner probably cannot read your mind so your expectations will not be met.

You can also have no expectations at all and just let the relationship naturally unfold.

5. When you argue, remember that it's not you against one another, it's the two of you against the problem.

Step back, take a couple of deep breaths and then come back to it together, calmly. A couple of my friends have a super cool thing that they do, every time they are about to argue, no matter what it is, the moment one of them raises their voice, they step closer to one another, look into each other's eyes, hold hands and breathe together. It took them a while to get there and sometimes they let the emotions take over too. However, they always get to do it at some stage of the argument because one of them remembers that they made an agreement and no matter how angry they are with each other, they let the love win.

They said that just by looking deeply into each other's eyes, holding hands and breathing together, the argument they had becomes less important. I absolutely love it and really hope that I will also put it into practice.

6. No matter what, never go to bed or leave for the day angry.

That's something my mum said. She said you've got to makeup, you've got to hug it out and you've got to say you love each other. You don't know what the next moment can bring, we lose people every day to accidents that are completely unpredictable. What would you do if you walked away from your loved one angry only to never be with them again because the world had a different plan? Appreciate them, love them unconditionally and without limits and always make up quickly. A piece of advice from me, do that with everyone. Your friends, family members and your partner, always, always makeup.

7. Keep it private.

Your relationship is yours, not anyone else's. My parents never really argued in front of us or their friends, I genuinely saw them do it just once and I must have been about 3 years old and it may be just my imagination. They never wanted to project any form of negativity to us so when they argued, they did it in private and sorted it out in private. Don't get me wrong, they didn't pretend to be super happy in front of us when they were not, they just always kept it civilised and very rarely let us notice.

8. Be yourself.

That is super important. You've got to be yourself from the very beginning. If you get together and you pretend to be a completely different person and a few months, or years down the line it comes out, how do you expect it to work if the relationship was based on a lie to begin with? If you pretend to be different to your natural self, you are allowing the other person to fall in love with someone who actually does not exist. And no, you can't change or learn to be the person you decided to pretend to be, it's simply impossible and your true identity will come out at some stage and it will hurt you more than the other person. So be yourself, trust that your natural self is amazing enough, love yourself the way you want to be loved. A bit of advice for first dates, do not lie about who you are, do not pretend to be someone you're not just because you want to mold yourself to fit other persons expectations, be true to yourself and you will see the love will follow.

9. Forgive.

And forgive quickly. You and your partner are not perfect. There will come a time they will disappoint you. You've got to be willing to forgive and let things go as holding on to things only truly creates more havoc, let things go.

These are the few things that I found the most insightful. They are definitely the rules I will try to follow as much as I can in my next relationship. These tips are not just for the people currently in relationships,  but they also give you a bit of an idea of how to make your next relationship the last one.

I have a lot of clients coming to me for relationship advice. I am not a relationship guru, far from it, as matter of fact I am still waiting for the Knight in shining armour to sweep me off my feet and take me to a castle in the hills of the Neverland so we can live there happily ever after while raising a bunch of wonderful kids of our own. Nah, just kidding. Prince Charming does not exist but I know the right person for me does.

I know exactly what I want my next relationship to be like. I know exactly what I want my future partner to be like too. I am convinced my next relationship will be my last one and that's why I am not looking desperately because I know it will come when the time is right. I take my time and take things slowly, go on dates and meet people when I can. I give it my all and show myself as I truly am because I know that I am no longer looking for just a hookup... I want my next partner to be there for life, a father and an example to the children I will one day have with him, someone I'd share the next 40 years with, about 15000 meals with and go on about 100 holidays with... Someone I can be super honest with, laugh everyday with, gaze into his eyes and never get bored of it, someone I won't want to wake up without.

So when I meet someone nowadays and I know that's not it within the first dates, why should I force it? As a matter of fact, why should they? Let's just swiftly move on and not waste each other’s time just because 'maybe' the feelings will change. Besides, I put a lot of effort into falling in love with myself and accepting myself as I am (and so should you), I just simply cannot allow another person who is still at war with themselves to disturb the peace I have worked so hard for.

Anyway, enough about me!

Whether or not you're in a relationship, I hope you'll find these tips useful!

There is just one more thing I'd like you all to do, ask yourself the below questions

Would you like to be with you if you met you?

If the answer is yes, you're on a good track. If the answer is no, think about the work you may have to do on yourself before rushing into something. There is no need to bring your battles to someone who's already at peace with themselves.

Love and light

Mags